Alone. Forever. Mentally, anyway.

Ayesha's her own worst enemy.

Black Dagger emotions; white hot memories

Protector of some; envied by many.

Ridiculously.

Do they even KNOW me?

Nerd girl-square in a biker chick's frame.

Smoke and mirrored shell and they don't even know my name.

I want to be free.



Played down the perfect skin tone, suppressed the wants, focused only on the needs.

Thought of them yesteryear, later on they'll remember me
Make myself smaller, so they can seem tall
Thinking my dreams will come later
That they'll catch me if I fall.

I'm falling...

Don't let the hair grow as long as it can be.
Just blend into the crowd
Just be the one that caters to their needs.

Any and everything; living a lie,
Who were you fooling with your head held high?
Kingsfield said my brain's full of mush
You're one of them, lol
Did you believe you were one of us?

Hallucinating.
Regurgitating.
Never had it all.
...Self-deprecating.

Aaaaaaaaand

Where exactly has it gotten me?

Broken heart, shattered frame; *le sigh* *le sigh* yet and still whenever I heard my name...

I answered the call, responded in kind.

There when needed, what happened to mine?

When I sought out a friend, what preyed was simply foe.
Wolves in wolves clothing
Insatiable needs still grow

But.

Who can I turn to?



(Ok, that's an Xscape song from a million years ago but still true for me TODAY.

This day. Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis day.)

And by the time someone notices the poisonous nip through my leather clad skin, before it's read that the infections seeped in...

It's too late, the hurt actually wins.

The optimistic, the resourceful, the good girl died.

Not completely this time but just a little more inside.

That part of me's gone, it's met its end.
That part of me that needed release, she died. Sans friend.

Again.

This. Blows.

Cause all I needed was peace.
I messed up and this time
The means didn't suffice, but caused the grief.

Big time and I got no one to blame
Same old song
Same stupid game

But geesh...

My heart hurts all the same.

And I can't change one damn thing...

But I needed a hand today.

And just a little love.

...Sweet love.

Sineca is Officially a High School Student.

Congratulations Sineca, on an 8th grade job well done.

My very words to him in this picture are: I am so proud of the young man you are and the man you will become. He is a leader not a follower and I love absolutely every single microcosmic atom in his entire existence. Good Job, you will always be the BooBear to my Yogi...um...are you sure we should tackle this?

Yes. I'm sure.

A Wing and a Prayer

I tried to reach out
Hoping for a wing a a prayer.
One is needed today
But you are not here and I am not there.

Yet.

Soon come.

I don't need this for me;
I am always fine,
I'm fine!

I need this for a young man
Not one of yours but one of mine.
I fear for him today
Although he has been blessed
I fear that he will be changed
He, of course
Pretends to careless.

It is his nature.

He's an adult, I've dealt with that lately
Living out his dream, no longer my baby.
He'd come to you if only he knew you were there.
And you wouldn't turn him away
You'd show him love and you'd show him care.

It is your nature.

He needs a prayer today,
Some words lifted up in kind.
He needs a prayer and soon come,
I sent up all of mine.

He was born with the wings
I've given all I have
He didn't ask for the curse
Even still, it sits in his lap.

What will be will be.
It is written and has come to pass.
Please pray for ease
And
Strength to last.

It's selfish of me to take up
Any more
Of your time.

I don't ask for me,
But there is no Pride
When I ask for mine.

I'm good.
I'm ok, I always am...
Really, just a prayer.
I'm fine...

Just one of those days...

So, I am impatiently waiting on the grades to be published and was bored out of my mind...until The Black Dagger Brotherhood crept into my brainwaves. I am officially bitten.

Last night I started BookIII Lover Awakened ( see pic below ) and tonight I am beginning BookIV Lover Revealed... ( also below, along with a yummy raisin, cranberry, blueberry, sunflower seed, peanut & walnut mix ).

It seems that I may get through the entire series by the second Summer Session in July. It's taking about a day and a fourth to get through one novel. It's massively appealing!

Great night...it is the BOM!

So, it's raining in Greater Boston and I am indulging in two of my favorite things: a good book(!) and an awesome lean meal (one very thin flat chicken breast, onions, mushrooms, and scallions w/a white wine sauce).

I have fallen head over heals in love with The Black Dagger Brotherhood of the J.R. Ward Vampire Novel series. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome!

The BOM* side of things is not likely what you think. BOM stands for - Berries, Onions, Mushrooms. They are energy boosting, calorie burning little wonder foods. Yum!

So, as per my usual modus operandi, not going into overload is quite frankly impossible. On both the fat burning side as well as the hunka hunka love burning side: I. Am. All. In. ;)

It's Raining

Rainy days are for movies...the DVD kind. I'm sure I've seen everything in this house and I am certainly not going out n this weather :(.

Wait! I haven't finished watching Underworld Part III. Guess I'll go fish that out of the pile ;).

Update Later!

Here's my hair coiffed and my end tables updated, as promised ;-). Life is good.

I am redecorating the living room this summer and these end tables are the beginning. The focal point will be my ridiculous library of books. I wonder how it will turn out...

For all intents and purposes, fortunate or un-, this is my Life ;-)~.

HaHaHa...HeeHee...Lololololol

Here I am folding clothes, doing the domestic thing because I'm just soooooooo domesticated (not!) and I came across one of my favorite shirts!

Everyone who sees this says the same thing: ONLY. YOU. AYESHA.

Heehee. Only me ;)~, Smooches!

(PS. And laugh all u like - I have literally not had to wash clothes since February when my school term picked up speed, so there's an enormous amount of clothing!. Sineca and Jazz get their clothes specially washed, dried, and folded by their Grandmommma (say that like Samantha on Bewitched when speaking of her mom Endora!). Oh and 'don't judge me -___- on not washing my clothes. Lol. I had PLENTY to go through, I was busy and you shouldn't judge the undomesticated. AND at any rate I bought my mom an uptodate High definition washing machine and she WANTED dare I say LOVED to do their washing! Lol, or at least that's what I choose to believe ;)~)

Oh and this is me going to wash! Ignore the stressful grimace and enjoy the cute sundress because I hardly ever wear them.

Ok, lata gatas!

New Project!

I started working on these end tables yesterday and today I am working on that AND the Mufasa mane that I have the nerve to call my hair!

I'll post photos of the after when it's all said and done ;).

I have a confession to make...

My name is Ayesha.

Hiiiiiiiii, Ayesha.

My name is Ayesha and I am a shoe-holic :'(.

A friend that I love dearly has patiently explained to me that people who blog are to blog on a regular basis, blog about their lives, their days, their general outlook on things...

So, I've decided to take heed to these words and share more often. I hope you guys don't mind :).

I must find my way through this insanely difficult next few semesters of school, otherwise there is no way to afford such luxuries. I MUST have these shoes. I simply MUST!

Hmmmm, massage therapy looks to be the best way to support this habit. Either that or the Boston Pole Fitness classes to support the whole stripper thing...?

(Therese that's just for you, Love!)



For all intents and purposes, fortunate or un-, this is my Life ;-)~.

Tweet

Lola is seriously on her last legs...

All you can do is smile.

So, the truck was doing some serious chugalugging noises on Monday and after a weekend of a migraine I'm like, "Hello...Lola...is everything ok...?"  Well of course, because she is a car and not the actual person that I act like she is, I just parked and came on into the house.  If I ignore it, maybe it will just go away...

Not.

So, I decide it's time to face the music and figure out what might be going on. Time to get gas and go on to the mechanics. Fine. 

Thinking.  Thinking.  What could be wrong this time? How much is it going to cost? Is the mechanic sabotaging Lola, purposely?  Was that Criminal Procedure Exam referring to the Fourth Amendment right to be free of unreasonable searches and seizures or the Fifth AMendment right to not incriminate oneself?

...

Pump. Pump. Pump. Blank. Pump. Pump. Pump. Blank. Tap. Tap. Is this thing on! Hello, machine...?  Please work. Helllllo?  Pump. Pump. Pump. Blank. Again? Remove Nozzle.  Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa the...? 

Well growing up as resourceful as I did, upon viewing the above disconnected gas tank, gas line, rusted pipe, pole thing-y (you get my point)...I did not freak out. How could I, I was at the gas station and needed to get back home. So I did what any resourceful woman in my position would do.  I stomped my foot on the ground, cursed myself for trying to go to Law School instead of working in someone's office. Yet. Again.

And then I took a deep breath and fed the tube back into the rusted worn away cylinder from whence it detached, pumped gas into the car and drove the mile home.

I need a car.  The Smart Car for $120 a month is affordable. Decisions. Decisions.

Go back to work?

Go back to school?


For all intents and purposes, fortunate or un-, this is my Life ;-)~.

I. Need. These. In. My. Life!

Why must I be forced to endure such horrendous pain 😰?

1. I have no where to go...(Maybe that Hookah Bar...?)

2. I have nothing to match...(Who am I kidding...?)

3. I do not have $120.00 for a pair of shoes in Bakers. Bakers no less!

And even if I did, I wouldn't pay that kind of money for shoes in Bakers...or maybe that's just my defense mechanism because I want them so baaaaaaaad!

1. ABC's Scandal is THE. BEST. SHOW. EVER. 2. Olivia Pope's strength makes me want to practice Law. 3. Shonda Rhimes is a genius. GENIUS.

I am Icarus and I am the Sun Olivia Pope All. In. One. I am Anastasia Steele And I am Christian Grey Tortured and wounded soul. One minute. What more? No more. No. More. Again. Amazingly. I love my Life ;-). For all intents and purposes, fortunate or un-, this is my Life. ;-)~

Fifty shades of messed up...

That is me. However, that is also in this book, Fifty Shades of Grey. If you are averse to tasteful and not so tasteful erotica, this book may not be for you...

I am pleasantly surprised. What amazes me the most is not so much the choice of fetish but the ultimate control of said fetishism.

Interesting. Very interesting. As she fell asleep he called her a gorgeous girl, not everyone's been given that sort of compliment.

Comparable, indeed.

William Ernest Moore - My Grandfather

This evening at 6:05pm my mother's father finally received his wish. For the last week he'd been telling mom that he was tired, so tired and that he just wanted to be with Jesus...

Grandad almost made it to 84 years in Baaawston...he preferred Chicago ;). His birthday is in June.

We weren't as close, my grandad and I, as he and my mom. My heart breaks deeply for her; she visited with him just about every single day. She couldn't stay in his room 'til the end but she was there 'til the end and he even tried to say he loved her in his very last breath.

Hug your fathers, forgive their overbearing errant ways. You only get two, the one that gave you life and the one that gives us all life...

The latter is everlasting...the former has a numbered amount of days. Make them count.

For all intents and purposes, fortunate or un-, this is my Life.

God is good...

It just felt good to hear from God today.

Not because He doesn't speak to me often, everyday in fact, but that today, I was listening.

Today is a beautiful day & I am changed. Forever.

Just a few weeks left....

And I am insane in the membrane ;). Pray for retention. I need to know every single piece of information I learned inside and out!

No room for failure. Go hard or go home, right? WRONG. Angel said, "Go hard, Ma. ONLY option." Gotta <3 him.

I miss my baby boy, but he's living his southern dreams.




This is, for all intents and purposes, fortunate or un-, my Life ;-)~!

#JusticeForTrayvon

My son wanted to support this movement, as well, so we decided to put a photo up. Peace and love to his father and mother.




For all intents and purposes, fortunate or un-, this is my Life ;-)~

Trayvon Martin - Will Justice Be Served, This Time?

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

http://rolandmartinreports.com/blog/2012/03/listen-trayvon-martin-911-tapes/

I just can't.

Breakthrough #3 - Reinventing the body, Resurrecting the Soul

Awareness has magic...

There are, according to this book, and this has been tremendously insightful for me, three ways to end conditioning (please do not tell me that I should define conditioning, YOU should have read past that part thus far, yes?):

--Reflection, Contemplation, and Meditation.

Some of us will separate the above de-conditioning from our connection to the Higher Power, but that's not how I see it at all. For me it is the meditation phase where I receive answers to questions known and unknown. Praying is talking to God, meditation is listening.

Along with Deepak's Book, and because some of you take FOREVER to finish the reading (you know who you are!), I am also now reading Chakras and Their Archetypes - Uniting Energy Awareness and Spiritual Growth by Ambika Wauters.

I am all new to this sort of enlightening but a very good friend suggested this to me and a few days before that Sineca informed me that I "needed to align" my chakras. Verbatim. Lol. He really had no idea what he was saying...or did he?

--Sidebar - If you have decided to leave someone's life or if someone has made that decision for themselves to leave yours, understand that there will be a time of confusion and anger.

Chapter by chapter, we know the novel is coming to an end...maybe some of us read faster, better, easier...we have other books to read; some of us take our time. Know that closing the book before you are ready is no easy task, however, if the book is borrowed allow its owner to close it: enjoy what you've read and move on happily. It wasn't your book in the first place, you knew that but sometimes people just do not know how to return items that do not belong to them.

Who are these people?

If the owner is cold when she retracts, walks without turning back, saying rude unnecessary things, as if...

Walk in her shoes, understand she believes this is the ONLY way she can.

Go in Peace.

AL




For all intents and purposes, fortunate or un-, this is my Life ;-)~

Today.

Today hasn't been my easiest day, by far...but it also hasn't been my worst. By far...

Today I am smiling because the Sun is shining and I've been given another day to give it my all.

THE THREE FACES OF EVE, OR IDA, OR LOLA IF YOU WILL

YES, I HAVE THIS WORK UNDERCOVER, UNDER-WRAPS, READY TO GO...



YEAH, MAYBE I MISSED A CASE OR A RULING, WERE THE CIRCUMSTANCES EXIGENT...? NOT IN MY VIEW. *STARTS THE LAW SCHOOL PACE AROUND TABLE PLAYING ALL THE CHURCH IN THE STEEPLE.



NO. I CANNOT POSSIBLY GET THROUGH THIS DOCUMENT. UUUUUGGGGHHHHHHH, I GIVE UP AND PROMPTLY WITHOUT NARY A HASTE, I HIT THE BED. WHEN I AWOKE...THE WORK WAS NOT ONLY THERE WHERE I LEFT IT, UNFINISHED, BUT ALSO DUE IN THE NEXT 4HRS...DID I MENTION THAT IT'S 3:27A.M.?

MORNING SACRIFICED FOR THE BETTERMENT. I WANT TO SLEEP, BUT THERE'S MILES TO GO...MILES TO GO BEFORE I SLEEP.


For all intents and purposes, fortunate or un-, this is my Life ;-)~

When you need a pick me up, just laugh a little.

Today is a day to laugh, how funny are these videos?

For all intents and purposes, fortunate or un-, this is my Life ;-)~.

Breakthrough #2 Body As Energy

So, here we are. I have completely shot past the marker on the reading but I am told that my faithful followers (Ha!!!!!!!!...all four of you!) are taking a little extra time allowing the words and the feelings and the understandings to soak into your thoughts and daily lives.

We are all certainly a work in progress.

Because our group is a collective amalgamation of mothers and lovers and bargain shoppers and business women, one never knows which part of our lives will interfere not with growth, but with the sharing of that growth. In which case, I thought it might be easier to post at your convenience during the week as opposed to a specific Friday, Saturday, or Sunday (Uhm...yah, Ms. Aisis...? Those are our only days off and even those days are full ;-(. --True Story).

The other 2 things I wanted to point out is the quality of the video, which is awful, so I will enlist young Mr. Howell, that elder son of mine Angel to Jazz up the next ones. It is better isn't it though, than the first one? And the other piece that is very interesting is that there is nearly nothing long-lasting in my life other than my relationship and my children. I actually never realized the context of the easy way in which I shut people and things out of my ether as if they never existed. That thought hadn't occurred to me until I was recording the above video.

Breakthrough...?






(I just wrote the names of two of the three jewels, so... SINECA!

Lol.)





For all intents and purposes, fortunate or un-, this is my Life ;-)~.

Change is Good...

The soul carries the potential
The mind carries the intention
The brain produces the result
--Deepak Chopra

I'm not where I want to be mentally, physically, financially or metaphorically. I am, however, on the right path and I will remain steadfast ;). Along the way, I've been supported in most areas, carried in others, forced (!) into great or out of empty soul-stealing places...but I've learned and I've lost and I've laughed and I've cried (a lot!).

Throughout it all, though, I have not only loved feverishly and unselfishly but I've also been loved deeply and boldly & I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's. Ever.

Today, I think.
Therefore, today, I am.

(Hence the self-portrait, titled: 'Thought')

For all intents and purposes, fortunate or un-, this is my Life ;-)~.

#SSF - Soul Sisters Forever

FYI...My beautiful cousin Nikki, a workaholic social worker, saving our children one tiny person at a time, will post a vlog soon ;-)~

Hey there ;-),

I am really happy that you guys decided to join this endeavor. I feel like so many different things are going on in all of our lives that we could all use a little bit of "us" time: Girl Time. We have girl time so that we are replenished and renewed, not only for ourselves, but also for the people in our lives that we love. I had an entire library of comments that I had planned to share but I had a pretty rough evening last night and the day didn't fare much better either...

But.

...miles to go before I sleep.

I can't wait to see all of your introductory videos telling us all just a little bit about one another. I have loved Ingrid and Terese for 25 and 10 years respectively and my new love Nikki, my favorite cousins beautiful wife for almost two months, is awesome and love is awesome...right?

Love is love. You have NO idea how profound those very words are to me right now.

At any rate let us explore Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul: How to Create a New You by Deepak Chopra. For the first week, we decided to do just the first chapter, however, I have read nearly half of the book. I have a thirst for knowledge, to be better, to understand why I feel the need to do the things that I do when I know these things should not be done.

Complex, right?

I will post questions, please feel free to do the same; I am but a catalyst...an Equestrian if you will, I can lead a horse to water but I cannot make him drink (that's clever, yes? it's actually a song from the late 80's, lol..."you should have beeeeeen with meeee, instead I'm alone and lonelaaaaaay...- lonely only way drawn out - maybe it was Pat Benatar...I don't remember). I was elated to know that you guys wanted to share the drinking well with me.

Question 1: When you are in the midst of that, "I am seriously having a moment moment, how do you crawl your way out of it, or have you not found that space in which you are able to crawl, walk, run head long feet first out of it...?" And if you haven't found that, do you anticipate that you will?

---For me, and this is very new, I start muttering positive words to myself. After I recognized that those words were very helpful, I began to write them down in all of the places that I pass by, in my house. I write it on the mirrors (I have quite a few mirrors), on a few chalkboard painted circles in my newly decorated office, on my notebooks and note cards, with my pinky on the shower wall when the room has steamed to a blur and I am standing there bawling for no real reason...I write it everywhere and I say it to remind my inner Lola, the crazy person who is my alter ego and lives mainly in my head, that I am on a beautiful uplifting path: subtle changes.

I utter subtle changes.

Sound familiar, if not keep reading!

FROM BREAKDOWN TO BREAKTHROUGH - The first breakthrough chapter is below, I hope you guys have read UP TO that part ;)~

Question 2: The 1st Chapter is titled: Your Physical Body is a Fiction. Religious or not, and I am not, although I love the Lord and his son baby Jesus (Amen...Hallelujah!)...so correct me if I am wrong, but I do believe most religions speak to this truth. Our bodies are simply flesh, it is the soul that is real. How did you walk through those first few pages?

--Admittedly, I misunderstood the meaning, at first blush. My assumption was that I had stumbled onto a seriously existential path of enlightenment and not being versed in such, I was intimidated. But I didn't stop reading. I understood what he meant after a few more sentences and I embraced it.

Question 3: The sentence that sort of sent me into a calm space, so to speak, was "Breakthroughs occur when you start thinking about a problem in a fresh new way." Did that have any effect on you and if not, was there a sentence, word, paragraph that struck you in a profound way?

--First, I love how every chapter expresses the word 'breakthrough'. Secondly, for some reason, reading those words shifted something inside my mind and it was as if all of a sudden the light was turned on. I wondered though, and Im curious to know if you also pondered...how on earth do you start thinking about a problem differently than you had been and the pages that followed answered that question for me. Third, I INVENTED myself. How incredibly AWESOME is that? This by no means is a cheerleading session for me (uhm #TeamAyesha anyone? lol) but an ah-ha moment, an epiphany if you will. I invented the woman I am today, therefore I can invent the woman I am going to be tomorrow. Is that not the most awesome thought ever? It is ALL in our hands. It is a choice. Make the right choice...

Question 4: Did you feel a bit of sadness at the "messenger molecules". I seriously had no idea that being upset/depressed/angry quite literally changed your DNA for the worse...what did you feel, if anything, about the process of life and gene adaptation according to your happiness, sadness, grief, and joy.

--The fact that one's emotional level can be actively viewed during an MRI, amply blows me away. Yes, I have an iPhone and should not be awe struck at every technologically enhanced instance, but ya know what...medical advances keep me in awe-struck mode.

Comment: "The secret is to open yourself up. You never know where the next breakthrough will come. The door opens, and from that moment on, your life is transformed." Help me baby Jesus, no word of a lie, I must have stayed on page 16 for an hour just thinking about those words. If you have had a similar experience please share, if you are not comfy, because you don't know each other yet, then please email me and tell me if you had one of those moments.

I've had a few. Lol.

Quiz: Are you Ready for Change...What was your score? My score was a 23. It says that I have embraced personal transformation as a major gaol in life and I want to change as rapidly as possible.

Fits me to a T.

It is 4:14 am and I am now completely exhausted. I love you all, as you are readily aware, and please post with comments/questions, at any time.

Stay thirsty my friends...

For all intents and purposes, fortunate or un-, this is my Life ;-)~