Full Moon.

The Moon has a profound effect on me 🌑. I am thankful for Life and for Love. 

Ayesha is Life.

Same me; new degrees...Numerology.

&

Love is always the answer.

Accomplishments of the Previous Administration

50 accomplishments of the Obama Administration (https://washingtonmonthly.com/magazine/januaryfebruary-2017/obamas-top-50-accomplishments-revisited/ for any updates)

(Also check out the main article, The Incomplete Greatness of Barack Obama, and the issue’s Editor’s Note.)

1. Passed Health Care Reform: After five presidents over a century failed to create universal health insurance, signed the Affordable Care Act (2010). It will cover 32 million uninsured Americans beginning in 2014 and mandates a suite of experimental measures to cut health care cost growth, the number one cause of America’s long-term fiscal problems.

2. Passed the Stimulus: Signed $787 billion American Recovery and Reinvestment Act in 2009 to spur economic growth amid greatest recession since the Great Depression. Weeks after stimulus went into effect, unemployment claims began to subside. Twelve months later, the private sector began producing more jobs than it was losing, and it has continued to do so for twenty-three straight months, creating a total of nearly 3.7 million new private-sector jobs.

3. Passed Wall Street Reform: Signed the Dodd-Frank Wall Street Reform and Consumer Protection Act (2010) to re-regulate the financial sector after its practices caused the Great Recession. The new law tightens capital requirements on large banks and other financial institutions, requires derivatives to be sold on clearinghouses and exchanges, mandates that large banks provide "living wills" to avoid chaotic bankruptcies, limits their ability to trade with customers’ money for their own profit, and creates the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau (now headed by Richard Cordray) to crack down on abusive lending products and companies.

4. Ended the War in Iraq: Ordered all U.S. military forces out of the country. Last troops left on December 18, 2011.

5. Began Drawdown of War in Afghanistan: From a peak of 101,000 troops in June 2011, U.S. forces are now down to 91,000, with 23,000 slated to leave by the end of summer 2012. According to Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta, the combat mission there will be over by next year. 

6. Eliminated Osama bin laden: In 2011, ordered special forces raid of secret compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, in which the terrorist leader was killed and a trove of al-Qaeda documents was discovered.

7. Turned Around U.S. Auto Industry: In 2009, injected $62 billion in federal money (on top of $13.4 billion in loans from the Bush administration) into ailing GM and Chrysler in return for equity stakes and agreements for massive restructuring. Since bottoming out in 2009, the auto industry has added more than 100,000 jobs. In 2011, the Big Three automakers all gained market share for the first time in two decades. The government expects to lose $16 billion of its investment, less if the price of the GM stock it still owns increases.

8. Recapitalized Banks: In the midst of financial crisis, approved controversial Treasury Department plan to lure private capital into the country’s largest banks via "stress tests" of their balance sheets and a public-private fund to buy their "toxic" assets. Got banks back on their feet at essentially zero cost to the government.

9. Repealed "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell": Ended 1990s-era restriction and formalized new policy allowing gays and lesbians to serve openly in the military for the first time.

10. Toppled Moammar Gaddafi: In March 2011, joined a coalition of European and Arab governments in military action, including air power and naval blockade, against Gaddafi regime to defend Libyan civilians and support rebel troops. Gaddafi’s forty-two-year rule ended when the dictator was overthrown and killed by rebels on October 20, 2011. No American lives were lost.

11. Told Mubarak to Go: On February 1, 2011, publicly called on Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak to accept reform or step down, thus weakening the dictator’s position and putting America on the right side of the Arab Spring. Mubarak ended thirty-year rule when overthrown on February 11.

12. Reversed Bush Torture Policies: Two days after taking office, nullified Bush-era rulings that had allowed detainees in U.S. custody to undergo certain "enhanced" interrogation techniques considered inhumane under the Geneva Conventions. Also released the secret Bush legal rulings supporting the use of these techniques.

13. Improved America’s Image Abroad: With new policies, diplomacy, and rhetoric, reversed a sharp decline in world opinion toward the U.S. (and the corresponding loss of "soft power") during the Bush years. From 2008 to 2011, favorable opinion toward the United States rose in ten of fifteen countries surveyed by the Pew Global Attitudes Project, with an average increase of 26 percent.

14. Kicked Banks Out of Federal Student Loan Program, Expanded Pell Grant Spending: As part of the 2010 health care reform bill, signed measure ending the wasteful decades-old practice of subsidizing banks to provide college loans. Starting July 2010 all students began getting their federal student loans directly from the federal government. Treasury will save $67 billion over ten years, $36 billion of which will go to expanding Pell Grants to lower-income students.

15. Created Race to the Top: With funds from stimulus, started $4.35 billion program of competitive grants to encourage and reward states for education reform.

16. Boosted Fuel Efficiency Standards: Released new fuel efficiency standards in 2011 that will nearly double the fuel economy for cars and trucks by 2025.

17. Coordinated International Response to Financial Crisis: To keep world economy out of recession in 2009 and 2010, helped secure from G-20 nations more than $500 billion for the IMF to provide lines of credit and other support to emerging market countries, which kept them liquid and avoided crises with their currencies.

18. Passed Mini Stimuli: To help families hurt by the recession and spur the economy as stimulus spending declined, signed series of measures (July 22, 2010; December 17, 2010; December 23, 2011) to extend unemployment insurance and cut payroll taxes.

19. Began Asia "Pivot": In 2011, reoriented American military and diplomatic priorities and focus from the Middle East and Europe to the Asian-Pacific region. Executed multipronged strategy of positively engaging China while reasserting U.S. leadership in the region by increasing American military presence and crafting new commercial, diplomatic, and military alliances with neighboring countries made uncomfortable by recent Chinese behavior.

20. Increased Support for Veterans: With so many soldiers coming home from Iraq and Iran with serious physical and mental health problems, yet facing long waits for services, increased 2010 Department of Veterans Affairs budget by 16 percent and 2011 budget by 10 percent. Also signed new GI bill offering $78 billion in tuition assistance over a decade, and provided multiple tax credits to encourage businesses to hire veterans.

21. Tightened Sanctions on Iran: In effort to deter Iran’s nuclear program, signed Comprehensive Iran Sanctions, Accountability, and Divestment Act (2010) to punish firms and individuals who aid Iran’s petroleum sector. In late 2011 and early 2012, coordinated with other major Western powers to impose sanctions aimed at Iran’s banks and with Japan, South Korea, and China to shift their oil purchases away from Iran.

22. Created Conditions to Begin Closing Dirtiest Power Plants: New EPA restrictions on mercury and toxic pollution, issued in December 2011, likely to lead to the closing of between sixty-eight and 231 of the nation’s oldest and dirtiest coal-fired power plants. Estimated cost to utilities: at least $11 billion by 2016. Estimated health benefits: $59 billion to $140 billion. Will also significantly reduce carbon emissions and, with other regulations, comprises what’s been called Obama’s "stealth climate policy."

23. Passed Credit Card Reforms: Signed the Credit Card Accountability, Responsibility, and Disclosure Act (2009), which prohibits credit card companies from raising rates without advance notification, mandates a grace period on interest rate increases, and strictly limits overdraft and other fees.

24. Eliminated Catch-22 in Pay Equality Laws: Signed Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act in 2009, giving women who are paid less than men for the same work the right to sue their employers after they find out about the discrimination, even if that discrimination happened years ago. Under previous law, as interpreted by the Supreme Court in Ledbetter v. Goodyear Tire & Rubber Co., the statute of limitations on such suits ran out 180 days after the alleged discrimination occurred, even if the victims never knew about it.

25. Protected Two Liberal Seats on the U.S. Supreme Court: Nominated and obtained confirmation for Sonia Sotomayor, the first Hispanic and third woman to serve, in 2009; and Elena Kagan, the fourth woman to serve, in 2010. They replaced David Souter and John Paul Stevens, respectively.

26. Improved Food Safety System: In 2011, signed FDA Food Safety Modernization Act, which boosts the Food and Drug Administration’s budget by $1.4 billion and expands its regulatory responsibilities to include increasing number of food inspections, issuing direct food recalls, and reviewing the current food safety practices of countries importing products into America.

27. Achieved New START Treaty: Signed with Russia (2010) and won ratification in Congress (2011) of treaty that limits each country to 1,550 strategic warheads (down from 2,200) and 700 launchers (down from more than 1,400), and reestablished and strengthened a monitoring and transparency program that had lapsed in 2009, through which each country can monitor the other.

28. Expanded National Service: Signed Serve America Act in 2009, which authorized a tripling of the size of AmeriCorps. Program grew 13 percent to 85,000 members across the country by 2012, when new House GOP majority refused to appropriate more funds for further expansion.

29. Expanded Wilderness and Watershed Protection: Signed Omnibus Public Lands Management Act (2009), which designated more than 2 million acres as wilderness, created thousands of miles of recreational and historic trails, and protected more than 1,000 miles of rivers.

30. Gave the FDA Power to Regulate Tobacco: Signed the Family Smoking Prevention and Tobacco Control Act (2009). Nine years in the making and long resisted by the tobacco industry, the law mandates that tobacco manufacturers disclose all ingredients, obtain FDA approval for new tobacco products, and expand the size and prominence of cigarette warning labels, and bans the sale of misleadingly labeled "light" cigarette brands and tobacco sponsorship of entertainment events.

31. Pushed Federal Agencies to Be Green Leaders: Issued executive order in 2009 requiring all federal agencies to make plans to soften their environmental impacts by 2020. Goals include 30 percent reduction in fleet gasoline use, 26 percent boost in water efficiency, and sustainability requirements for 95 percent of all federal contracts. Because federal government is the country’s single biggest purchaser of goods and services, likely to have ripple effects throughout the economy for years to come.

32. Passed Fair Sentencing Act: Signed 2010 legislation that reduces sentencing disparity between crack versus powder cocaine possessionfrom100 to1 to 18 to1.

33. Trimmed and Reoriented Missile Defense: Cut the Reagan-era "Star Wars" missile defense budget, saving $1.4 billion in 2010, and canceled plans to station antiballistic missile systems in Poland and the Czech Republic in favor of sea-based defense plan focused on Iran and North Korea.

34. Began Post-Post-9/11 Military Builddown: After winning agreement from congressional Republicans and Democrats in summer 2011 budget deal to reduce projected defense spending by $450 billion, proposed new DoD budget this year with cuts of that size and a new national defense strategy that would shrink ground forces from 570,000 to 490,000 over the next ten years while increasing programs in intelligence gathering and cyberwarfare.

35. Let Space Shuttle Die and Killed Planned Moon Mission: Allowed the expensive ($1 billion per launch), badly designed, dangerous shuttle program to make its final launch on July 8, 2011. Cut off funding for even more bloated and problem-plagued Bush-era Constellation program to build moon base in favor of support for private-sector low-earth orbit ventures, research on new rocket technologies for long-distance manned flight missions, and unmanned space exploration, including the largest interplanetary rover ever launched, which will investigate Mars’s potential to support life.

36. Invested Heavily in Renewable Technology: As part of the 2009 stimulus, invested $90 billion, more than any previous administration, in research on smart grids, energy efficiency, electric cars, renewable electricity generation, cleaner coal, and biofuels.

37. Crafting Next-Generation School Tests: Devoted $330 million in stimulus money to pay two consortia of states and universities to create competing versions of new K-12 student performance tests based on latest psychometric research. New tests could transform the learning environment in vast majority of public school classrooms beginning in 2014.

38. Cracked Down on Bad For-Profit Colleges: In effort to fight predatory practices of some for-profit colleges, Department of Education issued "gainful employment" regulations in 2011 cutting off commercially focused schools from federal student aid funding if more than 35 percent of former students aren’t paying off their loans and/or if the average former student spends more than 12 percent of his or her total earnings servicing student loans.

39. Improved School Nutrition: In coordination with Michelle Obama, signed Healthy Hunger-Free Kids Act in 2010 mandating $4.5 billion spending boost and higher nutritional and health standards for school lunches. New rules based on the law, released in January, double the amount of fruits and vegetables and require only whole grains in food served to students.

40. Expanded Hate Crimes Protections: Signed Hate Crimes Prevention Act (2009), which expands existing hate crime protections to include crimes based on a victim’s sexual orientation, gender, or disability, in addition to race, color, religion, or national origin.

41. Avoided Scandal: As of November 2011, served longer than any president in decades without a scandal, as measured by the appearance of the word "scandal" (or lack thereof) on the front page of the Washington Post.

42. Brokered Agreement for Speedy Compensation to Victims of Gulf Oil Spill: Though lacking statutory power to compel British Petroleum to act, used moral authority of his office to convince oil company to agree in 2010 to a $20 billion fund to compensate victims of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico; $6.5 billion already paid out without lawsuits. By comparison, it took nearly two decades for plaintiffs in the Exxon Valdez Alaska oil spill case to receive $1.3 billion.

43. Created Recovery.gov: Web site run by independent board of inspectors general looking for fraud and abuse in stimulus spending, provides public with detailed information on every contract funded by $787 billion American Recovery and Reinvestment Act. Thanks partly to this transparency, board has uncovered very little fraud, and Web site has become national model: "The stimulus has done more to promote transparency at almost all levels of government than any piece of legislation in recent memory," reports Governing magazine.

44. Pushed Broadband Coverage: Proposed and obtained in 2011 Federal Communications Commission approval for a shift of $8 billion in subsidies away from landlines and toward broadband Internet for lower-income rural families.

45. Expanded Health Coverage for Children: Signed 2009 Children’s Health Insurance Authorization Act, which allows the Children’s Health Insurance Program (CHIP) to cover health care for 4 million more children, paid for by a tax increase on tobacco products.

46. Recognized the Dangers of Carbon Dioxide: In 2009, EPA declared carbon dioxide a pollutant, allowing the agency to regulate its production.

47. Expanded Stem Cell Research: In 2009, eliminated the Bush-era restrictions on embryonic stem cell research, which shows promise in treating spinal injuries, among many other areas.

48. Provided Payment to Wronged Minority Farmers: In 2009, signed Claims Resolution Act, which provided $4.6 billion in funding for a legal settlement with black and Native American farmers who the government cheated out of loans and natural resource royalties in years past.

49. Helped South Sudan Declare Independence: Helped South Sudan Declare Independence: Appointed two envoys to Sudan and personally attended a special UN meeting on the area. Through U.S. ambassador to the United Nations Ambassador Susan Rice, helped negotiate a peaceful split in 2011.

50. Killed the F-22: In 2009, ended further purchases of Lockheed Martin single-seat, twin-engine, fighter aircraft, which cost $358 million apiece. Though the military had 187 built, the plane has never flown a single combat mission. Eliminating it saved $4 billion.

iAm

And I will not apologize for who I am.

Ever.

Anew

Edit

Don’t call me; I don’t want to talk

Don’t visit; I neither want nor need company

I realized today that unlike any other time in my life

I am alone.

Completely.

I refuse to turn back the hands of time 

There’s only loss & selfishness when I think of those I loved

They

Are 

In the past

And only

A reminder of all that I was or could have been

I’m not looking back, though

Only looking forward

And

I don’t see you.

Any of you.

I only see me.

I am the Light

The light was on and you never showed.

I get it.

What was reaped

Is now sowed.

Live and learn.

Life happens.

Hello, June!

Setting goals; making things happen! 

Being positive and thanking God for the gifts & blessings.

Oh...and ⚾️ #RedSoxNation! ⚾️

Just Because

This morning was *ungood; it was difficult. The afternoon was rewarding. 

Memorial Day, Origins

Memorial Day began w/formerly enslaved blacks 

honoring their dead, the Union Soldiets, that gave their lives in battle. 

(circa. May 1865) Charleston, South Carolina

IG: @sineca.tsai, Model Life, Maggie, Inc.

#SinecaTsai #DopeArt #photographers #model #pictureoftheday #photooftheday #FactsOnly #Dope #Boston #PhotoOfTheDay ❤️ #AgentProvocateur #Future #love #HesReady #Boston #ThisIsJustTheBeginning #Versatile #ModelLife #BlackMenSmiling #Joy #HesGotTheLook #Menofinstagram #blog #family #mylife #Model ❤️ #6FtTall #Photogenic 

This is 47.

My own Monday Motivation: #DoDopeShyt and keep your secrets sacred.

Be. Dope. And. Do. Dope. Shyt*.

*Writer’s license.

I’m Tired but It’s Well Hidden

I’m not number one to anyone, anymore but my own self and I’m fairly certain that I never was number one and that’s ok. It’s ok because this means I don’t have any responsibility to anyone, which is strange, but no one has any responsibility toward me either. This is not new to me, even though in my heart of hearts I would like to believe that at one point I was number one to someone.

I was not. And I have minimal regrets on that one.

Now, I could go into detail but I’m not in the going-into-detail mood. But if I don’t speak this out it could fester. When I allow that kind of pain, it doesn’t end well for me and I know my heart; I must...no one else cares to, and those aren’t words to either revel in or begin a pity party for, it simply is.

The truth is that I prefer this right now to the alternative, which is disingenuous. On the first day of law school I was informed that the life of a legal eagle was a soloist trek unless the life we lived had more meat than fat. The fat will be trimmed We were warned. It was, and I am better for it left with a tougher sort of meat that I prefer to see as muscle* 😂. 

If you’re here right now you probably read my "Recurring Themes" post and so you understand that there is no longer a best-friend to share these things with and my very close friends, that are still best friends, just not like, ¡HER!, are living different lives and my existence is supporting cast.

I am no star in these roles...even though I totally look the part 😏...

Who am I to expect someone to understand my life and its goings-on as I understand theirs? They’ve never lived my existence and they are not empathic or unicorn-souled or mermaid-like.

It’s not their fault**.

And I’m tired. Not in these photos, because public and private personas differ.

I’m tired y’all. Of everyone and everything and I’m shutting off, going down deep, being silent and solo for a short bit.

It’s what I call - Underground. 

It’s what I do to reignite my soul.

I’m tired of waiting for people to get up to speed.

I’m tired of giving people the benefit of the doubt and being disappointed.

I’m tired of being people’s last thought, consideration, focus. 

I’m tired of people.

And

I need to disappear.

* Goal weight of 129lbs accomplished.

** Yes it is...understanding is a choice.

Recurring Themes

I’ve never lived alone.

So, I’ve never truly been lonely.

But, I’ve always been within a troupe.

I’ve always had a HIM and;

I’ve always had a best-friend.

Always. 

Someone that knows me, one that does not judge.

And now I have neither.

I haven’t been this single since I was 12.

And still

I’m not alone...,

Having no bestfriend and having no HIM,

Is, at the most inopportune moments - #LonelyAsF

And, I am learning to move solo.

It’s better than the alternative I chose.

And I choose to remember.

Everything I lost was worth the nothing I have,

It was worth it.

This. Too. Shall. Pass.

         Recurring. Themes.

And...

This beauty had a beautiful baby boy on December 12, 1988. It was one of the very best days of my entire life. 

The trajectory of my life was shifted when I made this choice. I made decisions that were to benefit his life and in turn, mine. Because he WAS mine. My very own little boy, I had hoped he would replace the sinkhole that was left by his uncle, Marco, my first little angel.

...this beautiful Angel would be the salve to the pain and that pain became more and more numb. And he still is.

My life hadn’t been the easiest to live before he was born; he gave me purpose. And he was a purposeful decision. Were people angry with me? Well, of course. But those people did not live in my head and my heart, they didn’t see my vision. They were unaware that his life was more important than mine. Those people had no idea I was on edge and not sure if I was going to make it across the divide. They saw things from their own angle...how my decisions effected them; not how my decisions effected me. 

Therein lies the difference between me and most other individuals. I look at how people are fairing from their angle. How they are hurting from their point of view. And, I’m thankful that I was given this powerful gift because I understand whether I agree or not.

I was mad at God, my parents - biological and otherwise, and my friends for having what looked like much better lives. I was frustrated at school for being the utmost of non-challenging and beneath my brain capacity, and I was mad at myself for just not caring enough about anything but the one decision I regret beyond all other decisions.

And my son was the one beacon of light throughout all of the darkness. He created the vestibule by which only the chosen one*, or two...or three may have crossed. Who could have created this kind of narthex but an absolute higher being? He left the place in disarray but his presence made up for that cataclysmic onslaught.

And with that in mind, I wanted more of the joy that his little life brought mine.

And so, the little girl I always wanted to be, Jazzmyn Angelique ,was born. The most beautiful girl in the whole wide world, who has my eyes, her very own every single thing else and then my heart to boot, chose me to be her vessel and because of her, I suddenly realized who I was and what I wanted and why I wanted it. Each bit of her life from the start was a quiet storm. She never cried or complained but had so much to cry and complain about. And although her voice is nigh her soul screams to the highest note. She will simmer until she boils and you will roil with her; on her terms.

I rolled the dice one more time and again, Lady Luck was on my side. I could have had more kids, I would have loved having more kids, truth be told...but mentally, financially, existentially I just could not muster the wherewithal, it wasn’t always the right time 😒. This little spirit, though this tiny little Mohican would close the portal for good...who could possibly make an appearance after Sineca Tsai? 

I am used to being the oddball, in typical situations. Truthfully, I revel in it. It works for me because I know my lane and I enjoy the life I live. 

This isn’t new to me, this sore-thumb sticking out sort of thing. I was a cute kid. People noticed me early on in life. I’m not being boastful. I had no control over the choices my free-loving, flower-power parental units made. I am thankful for the outcome, however the Universe came to together for their stories to collide and create the SuperNova that is me. #Blessed. 

But it’s not the highlight of my life, my unique physical makeup.

It. Just. Is.

Anyway, I mentioned my cuteness as a child because people tend to think attention is what good-looking people seek. I assure you, it is the opposite. 

It seemed odd to strangers that I happened to look a certain way. Carrying hereditary combinations in my genetic Gumbo from ancestral deoxyribonucleic acid was foreign to the white-space of Bostonians, in the year of y’all’s Lord Nineteen Hundred Seventy. People handed me dolls in restaurants and bought me different gifts and trinkets in toy stores, gave me lollipops walking down the street and chocolates at neighborhood parks. I remember being happy and grateful; always polite because Miss Rena is Mississippi bred and she plays none of those games, but I was also aware that I received different treatment, it was normal to me.

I grew up being called Black Beauty, Princess, Baby Girl, Sweetheart, My Heart, Chocolate Girl, Encyclopedia Brown, Beautiful, Baby Doll, Mami, Mi Amor**.

And because of that, if I’m treated otherwise: I. Am. Gobsmacked. #WhenOppositesCollide #KnowYourWorth 

I never saw myself as less than, I’ve never had low-self esteem although I have been despondent and deeply depressed at times. I’ve never expected to be treated unkind, never realized a person could feel so low about themselves that they purposely hurt another. And, I’ve tried desperately to walk in those tiny, sad shoes, even though the pain of doing such caused untold grief.

The foolishness of some minds astound me. Still.

But, iRise 😏. 

I said all of this to say: I was an anomaly most of my life and because it has carried itself with me for the last 47 years, me thinks the next 47 shall be the same. 

I like me, even though I almost lost myself in someone else, I like her, too because she’s caring and put others before herself. But the Me of me is here now. 

I like me because I know me just like I did when I was getting to know the world.

And it took a while but, the Beauty that is black, is back.

*Insert shameless adoration for - The Chosen Won - on iTunes by none other than the very one I speak of, the artist formerly known as #KashThaOvadose: K.OD.

**...and Creep, which did not fit with these cutesy names, but not because of the typical creep-mode definition, but because of my stealth-like Modus Operandi...or the fact that I popped up at the most inopportune moments according to the parental units.

#CatchMeIfYouCan

Some women will roll your blunt perfectly, in the fashion you choose, pour your drink; shaken not stirred and keep the house you share neat as a pin. #iAmNotShe 

Others will build you, help you find your soul; your self, and your Empire from the ground up by supporting your goals and dreams. #ThisIsMe

The lucky women are able to do it all; I am not lucky. #iAmGifted

I am the Other kind of other. #OtherThanThat 

I got them goals & dreams, too. #Savage

‘Cuz being a good girl didn’t get me anywhere but lost. #BlackGirlFound

It’s your turn now. #FindMe

In Honor of the Crescent Moon

I. Am. Light. & I. Am. Love.

Moving forward with your goals and dreams is how you regain your own strength.

#Power.

iAm. Here. For. It.

It’s Not Easy Being Me

I am, by no means, complaining about my life. Although I am not exactly where I would like to be, I think my life is beautiful right now, but that’s not what I came here to say.

What I came here to say is that there is really no one I can mentally count on; look to; receive support from; answers; seeds of knowledge, etc., the way I used to be able to count on.

Or the way that I deserve, truth be told because I am that person for others:

Now let me say for the record, the very small circle that I have, they love me and I love them right back. Deeply. Truly. Eternally.

The issue is not the love or respect from friends or family, the issue is I lived a completely different life than almost everyone that I know and the unfortunate part of that is that they can’t help me. They don’t know how...

And that’s painful.

And that’s hurtful.

And that’s frustrating.

And it reminds me that, I am, in fact, on my own.

I don’t expect anyone to be able to solve any issue that I have going on, that’s not the reason for the frustration, I prefer to solve my own issues. The reason for the frustration is that there is no one on this planet that gets me. Sometimes, all I need is to talk to someone trustworthy who doesn’t judge me because I don’t judge others. Sometimes, I just want to let it out, in a safe space. 

And what I let out are particles of life that people have never had the pleasure or the pain to deal with in their own experiences so it is completely unfamiliar to them. It is foreign. 

I am foreign.

To them.

They don’t get me.

I am not like the others.

I have never been like the others, anyone who knows me is aware of the difference between me and anyone else they’ve ever met. This isn’t my being boastful, because I have some really odd things about my person, and I own every inch of that oddity. I am #Weird and that’s ok.

I do things differently.

I think of things differently. 

I live my life differently. 

I love thoroughly, differently.

But today...today I hurt. 

Differently.

Because there is no one and I have lost the wherewithal to seek reinforcements. Ever again.

And.

So. 

I.

Write.

                  Here.

And somehow, just like that, by writing it out, the fallen pieces liquified at my feet, have begun to solidify and the foundation is becoming more solid.

I am more solid.

And I don’t need you chipping away at those pieces to build a different me. 

And I see now that I never did.

And.

So.

I.

Thank.

You.

For.

Your.

Lack.

Morning Shenanigans

Alone; not lonely.

...thinking of a master plan. 

People’s sad, depressive, hate-filled projections are a reflection of them, not you. Not me. Pray for them to see the light.

#iForgive that’s just what I do. If it is an egregious situation; I forgive and I forget. You. Specifically. Completely.

People tend to follow, until my developing skills become difficult. At which point, I am deemed intense. It is what it is. 

One person’s intense is another person’s intellect. One person’s extreme is another person’s empowerment. Some people wish for guidance others choose gullibility for the sake of not growing, for the sake of ignoring until it destroys, for the sake of making the moment light.

I revel in the *dark. It is comforting, the night, the sun setting, the ease of relaxation; when my best work is done.

#Perception 

Understand it’s power.

#Unbothered

*DoubleEntendre like a **BOSS.

**Demanding respect and being a boss in my own soul. Don’t follow me...walk with me.