I’m Tired but It’s Well Hidden

I’m not number one to anyone, anymore but my own self and I’m fairly certain that I never was number one and that’s ok. It’s ok because this means I don’t have any responsibility to anyone, which is strange, but no one has any responsibility toward me either. This is not new to me, even though in my heart of hearts I would like to believe that at one point I was number one to someone.

I was not. And I have minimal regrets on that one.

Now, I could go into detail but I’m not in the going-into-detail mood. But if I don’t speak this out it could fester. When I allow that kind of pain, it doesn’t end well for me and I know my heart; I must...no one else cares to, and those aren’t words to either revel in or begin a pity party for, it simply is.

The truth is that I prefer this right now to the alternative, which is disingenuous. On the first day of law school I was informed that the life of a legal eagle was a soloist trek unless the life we lived had more meat than fat. The fat will be trimmed We were warned. It was, and I am better for it left with a tougher sort of meat that I prefer to see as muscle* 😂. 

If you’re here right now you probably read my "Recurring Themes" post and so you understand that there is no longer a best-friend to share these things with and my very close friends, that are still best friends, just not like, ¡HER!, are living different lives and my existence is supporting cast.

I am no star in these roles...even though I totally look the part 😏...

Who am I to expect someone to understand my life and its goings-on as I understand theirs? They’ve never lived my existence and they are not empathic or unicorn-souled or mermaid-like.

It’s not their fault**.

And I’m tired. Not in these photos, because public and private personas differ.

I’m tired y’all. Of everyone and everything and I’m shutting off, going down deep, being silent and solo for a short bit.

It’s what I call - Underground. 

It’s what I do to reignite my soul.

I’m tired of waiting for people to get up to speed.

I’m tired of giving people the benefit of the doubt and being disappointed.

I’m tired of being people’s last thought, consideration, focus. 

I’m tired of people.

And

I need to disappear.

* Goal weight of 129lbs accomplished.

** Yes it is...understanding is a choice.