This beauty had a beautiful baby boy on December 12, 1988. It was one of the very best days of my entire life.
The trajectory of my life was shifted when I made this choice. I made decisions that were to benefit his life and in turn, mine. Because he WAS mine. My very own little boy, I had hoped he would replace the sinkhole that was left by his uncle, Marco, my first little angel.
...this beautiful Angel would be the salve to the pain and that pain became more and more numb. And he still is.
My life hadn’t been the easiest to live before he was born; he gave me purpose. And he was a purposeful decision. Were people angry with me? Well, of course. But those people did not live in my head and my heart, they didn’t see my vision. They were unaware that his life was more important than mine. Those people had no idea I was on edge and not sure if I was going to make it across the divide. They saw things from their own angle...how my decisions effected them; not how my decisions effected me.
Therein lies the difference between me and most other individuals. I look at how people are fairing from their angle. How they are hurting from their point of view. And, I’m thankful that I was given this powerful gift because I understand whether I agree or not.
I was mad at God, my parents - biological and otherwise, and my friends for having what looked like much better lives. I was frustrated at school for being the utmost of non-challenging and beneath my brain capacity, and I was mad at myself for just not caring enough about anything but the one decision I regret beyond all other decisions.
And my son was the one beacon of light throughout all of the darkness. He created the vestibule by which only the chosen one*, or two...or three may have crossed. Who could have created this kind of narthex but an absolute higher being? He left the place in disarray but his presence made up for that cataclysmic onslaught.
And with that in mind, I wanted more of the joy that his little life brought mine.
And so, the little girl I always wanted to be, Jazzmyn Angelique ,was born. The most beautiful girl in the whole wide world, who has my eyes, her very own every single thing else and then my heart to boot, chose me to be her vessel and because of her, I suddenly realized who I was and what I wanted and why I wanted it. Each bit of her life from the start was a quiet storm. She never cried or complained but had so much to cry and complain about. And although her voice is nigh her soul screams to the highest note. She will simmer until she boils and you will roil with her; on her terms.
I rolled the dice one more time and again, Lady Luck was on my side. I could have had more kids, I would have loved having more kids, truth be told...but mentally, financially, existentially I just could not muster the wherewithal, it wasn’t always the right time 😒. This little spirit, though this tiny little Mohican would close the portal for good...who could possibly make an appearance after Sineca Tsai?
I am used to being the oddball, in typical situations. Truthfully, I revel in it. It works for me because I know my lane and I enjoy the life I live.
This isn’t new to me, this sore-thumb sticking out sort of thing. I was a cute kid. People noticed me early on in life. I’m not being boastful. I had no control over the choices my free-loving, flower-power parental units made. I am thankful for the outcome, however the Universe came to together for their stories to collide and create the SuperNova that is me. #Blessed.
But it’s not the highlight of my life, my unique physical makeup.
It. Just. Is.
Anyway, I mentioned my cuteness as a child because people tend to think attention is what good-looking people seek. I assure you, it is the opposite.
It seemed odd to strangers that I happened to look a certain way. Carrying hereditary combinations in my genetic Gumbo from ancestral deoxyribonucleic acid was foreign to the white-space of Bostonians, in the year of y’all’s Lord Nineteen Hundred Seventy. People handed me dolls in restaurants and bought me different gifts and trinkets in toy stores, gave me lollipops walking down the street and chocolates at neighborhood parks. I remember being happy and grateful; always polite because Miss Rena is Mississippi bred and she plays none of those games, but I was also aware that I received different treatment, it was normal to me.
I grew up being called Black Beauty, Princess, Baby Girl, Sweetheart, My Heart, Chocolate Girl, Encyclopedia Brown, Beautiful, Baby Doll, Mami, Mi Amor**.
And because of that, if I’m treated otherwise: I. Am. Gobsmacked. #WhenOppositesCollide #KnowYourWorth
I never saw myself as less than, I’ve never had low-self esteem although I have been despondent and deeply depressed at times. I’ve never expected to be treated unkind, never realized a person could feel so low about themselves that they purposely hurt another. And, I’ve tried desperately to walk in those tiny, sad shoes, even though the pain of doing such caused untold grief.
The foolishness of some minds astound me. Still.
But, iRise 😏.
I said all of this to say: I was an anomaly most of my life and because it has carried itself with me for the last 47 years, me thinks the next 47 shall be the same.
I like me, even though I almost lost myself in someone else, I like her, too because she’s caring and put others before herself. But the Me of me is here now.
I like me because I know me just like I did when I was getting to know the world.
And it took a while but, the Beauty that is black, is back.
*Insert shameless adoration for - The Chosen Won - on iTunes by none other than the very one I speak of, the artist formerly known as #KashThaOvadose: K.OD.
**...and Creep, which did not fit with these cutesy names, but not because of the typical creep-mode definition, but because of my stealth-like Modus Operandi...or the fact that I popped up at the most inopportune moments according to the parental units.
