Jaded but not blue

I’m tired

Tired of having empty dreams

Tired of giving my all and not being seen

...just for them to forget what I mean 

to them

Or meant 

Upon a time.

Tired of loving people to their health & their happy place

Tired of putting on a façade & a happy face

...for their pleasure and not mine.

Tired of ignoring the pain

Tired of listening to their holier than thou 

In vain

Tired of being the face of the right thing to do

Tired of being morally astute in my view of you

Tired of your incongruent brand new

...even though I know all too well the YOU of you

Deeply. Wholly. Specifically. Covertly.

I see you. I saw you.

And I still loved you.

And I still do.

Tired of those who don’t truly know me

I’m letting sleeping dogs lie at last

Because I’ve become tired of swatting the fleas as they pass

Tired of inconsistencies

Tired of being judged 

Tired of the solace and the silence

Tired of the space and ambivalence 

Tired of believing in the fairytales

Tired of crying for hours on end 

Holding tight to pain-filled wails 

Because I don’t want to say the words to hurt my “friends”

Because I waited patiently to make amends

Not because I caused pain, not because I wasn’t a friend

But because I’m breaking it off

Because I will no longer bend

I’m thinking you won’t even notice the shift

You fear being open, causing a rift.

Tired of believing in “...taking it to the grave”

There’s a new path to walk and it’s being paved

It’s different now

And it will never be the same 

We’re family....

It was said

But only in name

Now it’s time to just do me.

Like you did and do

While I waited in the wing

Remembering I stood by your side when you were in need 

Waited for you to get up to speed

Been there; done that on your new ‘ting

Never left your side on some New Jack Swing

Never just focused on my own thing

But you did.

I am tired, y’all.

Of holding on to the love of this my only one

I’m tired y’all.

And. I. Am. Just. Done.

Today, I let it all go.

And It Doesn’t Feel So Good.

Today.

But it will.