Flight of Fancy

I have flights of fancy; fleeting moments of extreme emotions. Both times of elation and times of depression. Mood swings can and do depend frequently, quite frankly, on the time of day, the shifting of wind or just the right song or wrong thought floating my way.

Or not.

This is who I am.

I love this person, in spite of the imbalance.

It is in seeking a balance that the imbalance is realized, heard, seen…and embraced.

It’s been a while but I am beginning to see me again, tiny pieces, short glimpses, fragments of that woman I was meant to be, attached to those insignificant scraps of self-hate and splintered memories of snap judgments: assaults against my very nature.

If this is the treatment given to myself and accepted by my self, what I ask, is the Universe to offer in return?

…I know right?

So, the above is written, to explain the below, among other things: I write because I feel things, or I hear things, or I see things.

Not everything written is about the outside of me and nothing ever written is not about the inside of me.

Understand?

Ok. I may put out a writing that has 3% of my feeling and 97% of something that someone I know and love, don’t know and do not care for, or any combination of such…is dealing with or going through. I put myself in that person’s mind, or his body, or her soul. This is what I do; this is my gift and my curse.

And so is forgiveness, but that is an essay of a whole other timeframe.

There are not many constants about me, I am consistently inconsistent (it’s a Libra thing). . . but if there is one constant, it is Love.

I love and I love deeply, thoroughly, and unconditionally.

Or not at all. For this, there is no middle ground:


She said plucking roses she never liked
I’m not a flower girl; flowers die
Give me words, they last forever…
And so…
He loves me, he loves me not
Let the petals fall where they may:

Love is awe-inspiring and beautiful and considerate and diligent and effortless and friendly and goose-pimply and habit-forming and intense and jovial and kind and laughable and mastering and necessary and oxygenating and prevalent and quivering and respectful and satisfying and test-filled and understanding and visible and wicked (the Boston kind of wicked) and xenophelius and yielding and zealous.

It’s time to get back to love because irrespective of where the last petal falls;
He loves me.
He can’t help it



For all intents and purposes, fortunate or un-, this is my Life ;-)~


* xenophilia – look it up, lol.

Gravitational Pull

I want to rest on your shoulder
And be safe
From this world
For just a while

I need to feel
You
Relax near that place inside your heart
Rest my cheek there
Inhale your skin
No more gravity
I am floating
On thin thin air
I can barely breathe.

You are a force
To be reckoned
With…
You,
Are where I want to be
Still
But gravity,
It heaves, it waxes, it wanes
/end float
Stopped flying
Now
Is not the right lifetime

I got next
Promise.

All she wanted

was to repay a debt

Yet, received the same hatred and pain.

Pain, as if he never feverishly, in time's past

Whispered

Her name.

Again. And again.

But now they are strangers

Thoughts of hatred day or night

People passing on the rivers

Ruining comfort, darkening light

Love has no gender, no race, and no creed

Love is not selfish, or mean, or at odds with greed.

Even of the heart.

And as much as she fears, this too shall pass.

His actions, so indelicate, so busy

Did not fall on deaf ears, knowing she can't even

Blame it all on him.

I wish they never loved it...

I wish they never turned back the years.

Her voice, it grates, crawls unwanted

Beneath the very essence of his skin

and still

She can't remember where he ends

And where her life is supposed

to begin.

Again.

I did nothing to deserve this.

Give me my heart back.

Can't Be Friends

Trey Songz

"Look what this girl done did to me
she done cut me off from her good good love.
she told me that those days were gone ( gone, gone, gone)
now I'm sitting here going half crazy
cuz I know she still thinks about me too
and it ain't no way in hell, that I can be just friends with you (you, you, you)
And I wish we never did it
And I wish we never loved it
And I wish I never fell so deep in love with you and now it ain't no way we can be friends.
The way it felt, no faking it
maybe we were moving just a little too fast.
But what we've done we can't take it back (back, back, back)
now im sitting here half way crazy
cuz I know she still thinks about me too
and it ain't no way in hell, that I can be just friends with you (you, you, you)
And I wish we never did it
And I wish we never loved it

And I wish I never fell so deep in love with you and now it aint no way we can be friends.

And all I can say is
la la la la la la la (laaaaa)
la la la la la la la la la (la la la owwww)
la la la la la la (laaaa)
hey

And I wish we never loved it (I wish we never loved it)
And I wish I never fell so deep in love with you and well now it ain't no way we can be friends."
la la la la la la la la laaaaa
la la la la la la la la laaaaa

For all intents and purposes, fortunate or -un, this is my life ;-)~ Aisis

I think (or thought, as it were), therefore, I am.

Last night I prayed.
At 2:47 AM.
Heavily.
Wholeheartedly.
Desperately.

...because I am thankful and I needed to talk to God.

Ever since I was a 9-year old little girl, attending Law School and becoming an Attorney, was but a dream. Lord, if I am worthy, let it be your will. And until recently, it was a flight of fancy. Me? Ayesha. Moore? A practicing attorney…at Law?

Yeah.

Ok.

Last night I prayed.
At 2:47 AM.
Eagerly.
Purposely.
Deeply.

...because I am grateful for his grace and I needed to praise Him.

So often people make requests, and I took pains Not to inquire and even within my carefully chosen words, I did ask. I bargained for a clearer path, I appealed for a more mature mind, I advocated my need to be a better person, a much better person, a less-selfish, more giving, understanding, human being. I am not perfect, I make many many mistakes and I truly suffer for them, if that is of any consolation, to anyone I have wronged.

And I know you are out there, somewhere.

Reading between these *learned lines.

Last night I prayed.
At 2:47 AM.
Inwardly.
Outwardly.
Intently.

...because I had an overwhelming need to express my gratitude; weep my appreciation.

Climbing out of the pain, I promised a focused mind and a thankful soul, reassuring Him that these were the reasons for my call. Promises. Not broken. I will not be broken. In spite of it all.

I declared financial victory standing firm, head held high to the boundaries that must be overcome. I put forth my plan, took a leap of faith and claimed the win. I learned my lesson and I secured His forgiveness. I am elevated.

Still waters.

But...last night, I prayed and I prayed hard.
At 2:47 AM.
Powerfully.
Fully.
Justly.

...and then I studied, again, for the hour infinitum, until 4:47 AM, just to get it right, to make sure that when my Law Professor (faint!) points to me and forces me to stand, speak my name and give an affirmative answer, a Yes or a No, nothing in between, nothing on the fence, I will be, if not correct, at least prepared. I prayed, not because I want to attend Law School, but because I am attending Law School.

And ready, I am.

For all intents and purposes, fortunate or –un, this is my Life ;-)~. Aisis

(This signature, created years and years ago, has more meaning, right now, in this place, than anyone will ever know.)



*learned (lur-nid): well-read, academic, cultured.

"Fallen" by Lauren Kate. I dedicate this to all heartbreakers and the counterparts with broken hearts. I am only on page 5 and I have quite nearly lost composure.

I am, at this moment, the little one, on the inside. I will remain as hard and firm as the big one on the outside because my reality and the world I live in has forced me to be...

Me.

I am she.

She is mine and not yours.

Reality is:
Painful in its words
Powerful in its force
Unimaginable in its belief
Insensitive in its attack
Eye-Opening in its truth
Unforgettable in its honesty
Unforgiving in its heart
Selfish in its love
Unwavering in its jealousy
Independent in its entirety
Conditional in its love

The stuff that both dreams and nightmares are made of.

It is not a good day.

The denial was expected, but the reason?

Independence takes responsibility for actions, yours and others, and not intentions, yours or others.

Tattooing eye-opening statements of truth with a frost more frigid than the Arctic Ridge and just as painful when rigor mortis finally, without remorse, sets in.

It is dead.

Reality, and it's dogma, bit me. Hard. And I will never be the same.

It is a stranger when suffering, spewing foreign words with a native tongue. Power does not wane.

You are conditional.

I am un-.

But MINE is not yours, this much is a cold hard truth. The kind that wakes you from a dream and you realize that you are not in Kansas anymore.

Were you ever?

It is the fear of letting go and re-learning that the seraph does not exist, at least for me...

Promises. Promises.

Broken pieces of the puzzle I used to be.

I am the Phoenix.

Independent. Again. I leaned but a degree in time. That time was not mine. And now I stand. Still.

Straight.

Alone.

And I will never be the same.

Always Love?

Always.

Only now, I can see and I will never close my eyes again.

Reality bites.

Bite me.

For all intents and purposes, fortunate or -un, this is my Life.

Have You Ever...?

I absolutely love this song by Brandy...

(chorus)
Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever,have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything up to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start

(chorus)
Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever,have you ever

Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all your life
You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for that day
when they will care

(chorus)
Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever,have you ever

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
'Cuz baby I can't sleep


Have you ever?

For all intents and purposes, fortunate or –un, this is…my Life ;-)~
Aisis